ARQ’s Modern Solutions to Old Skool Problems

I’m feeling a little grouchy today.  Yes, more than usual.  The day is only half way over but my bullshit-o-meter is full up of toddler attitude and Facebook know-it-alls.  I think I need a nap.  But since that’s not an option at the moment, I’ll drink some old coffee, vape off my e-cig, and try to write something half-way humorous to pull me outta this little funk.

Thus, I give you…  some modern solutions (that are likely safer/more PC) to some old school problems.  No, I’m not talking about boring shit, like my e-cig.  I’m talking about real issues, here.

Like werewolves, for instance. People have been dealing with werewolf infestations since before you could say hypertrichosis.”  Traditionally, the solutions have been a little dangerous…and messy.  Wolfsbane?  Come on, wolves are carnivores!  Piercing the hands of the werewolf with nails?  How...Judeo-Christian.  There are apparently other less violent, lesser known ways of dealing with lycanthropes as well, such as one German method whereby a werewolf is cured by speaking it’s Christian name to it three times.  Well, that’s just a little bit religion-biased, I think.  Not to mention, I’m guessing it’s not so effective, or we might have heard about it more often.  My guess is the first few dudes to yell any name at a werewolf became Scooby snacks in pretty short order.  And as  to silver bullets, who’s rich enough to just have loads of silver lying around???

A much more humane and modern solution the problem would be the use of shock collars– nice, non-lethal, non-biased, non-costly werewolf control.  Simply snap the collar on the alleged shape-shifter while he’s in his human form (this part is very important!), and keep the control with you at all times.

Where else can we apply some more modern solutions to the problems that plagued our ancestors?  I’m glad you asked.  How about poltergeists?

Poltergeists  have traditionally been described as troublesome spirits who, unlike ghosts, haunt a particular person instead of a specific location. (wikipedia)

One theory behind poltergeist disturbances is that they are actually manifestations of emotional distress brought on by an (unwitting) human, most often a child or teenager, and often a female.  In the 1982 film Poltergeist, it is suggested that more than one spirit is responsible for the “haunting” of the Freelings’ home, and that there is one demon in particular who has targeted young Carol Ann in an attempt to gain control over the multitude.

I maintain that in either case, the solution is simple.  Give that little bitch some Lithium!  (I’m sorry, she’s the victim here, too, isn’t she?)  Well, either way, she’ll be too busy twitching in the corner to cause much trouble– the demon can’t use her for anything, and her emotions will be so blunted that any poltergeist “disturbances” will be a thing of the past (along with fine motor control…)

Poltergeist movie

One more freebie for the day… I might have to consider charging for the rest.  I can’t do everything for you people!  Let’s talk about demon possession.  Think The Omen.  Think Linda Blair in The Exorcist.  Now you could call a priest.  But then you’ll have to pick up the house, hide all the porn, and likely listen to a bunch of literal bible thumping for half the night.  Not to mention the dry-cleaning bill for all that pea-soup vomit, and the structural damage to your home.

The solution is actually so much simpler.  These kids are really nothing more than out-of-control, attention-seeking brats.  And what do we do with out-of-control, attention-seeking brats in America?  Why, we reward them with their own reality TV show or spot on a talk show!  They want attention; let’s give it to them!  They can duke it out with one another on Jerry Springer, or go to “demon” rehab at the Sober House!

And if that doesn’t work , you can always try the Lithium or the shock collar.

Today on Jerry Springer, kids who are inhabited by the devil!

Today on Jerry Springer, kids who are inhabited by the devil!

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15 responses to “ARQ’s Modern Solutions to Old Skool Problems

  1. I’ve read and watched the omen, I loved it! I didn’t like the Exorcist tho. :(
    My boyfriends sister claims to have a ghost in her house, which wakes her kids up (and herself) every night at the same time. Its creepy as hell.

      • They just re-build the house, and they refuse to move. And she’s not on medication, haha. :P
        It’s quite creepy, cause we house-sitted on their house once, and my boyfriend was watching tv at night, when he clearly heard someone walking off the stairs and stop in front of the living door room while I was in asleep. He thought it was me, but I wasn’t. I was terrified to be home alone after that! xP

        • Well, she went to this medium that happens to do this medium stuff for free. She worked with tarot cards or whatever, and she managed to tell everything that no one else knew except her family and close friends. Anyway, according to that medium it’s the ‘baby’ from her miscarriage after her oldest, and before her youngest. That also explains why her daughter talks to ‘someone’ when she isn’t around, and that she says she a ‘sister’. It still freaks me out, but I also find it super interesting.

        • They suggested her to put up a special place for ‘it’. But she refuses to do it because that’ll keep the ‘spirit’ active. It stopped after a while when they did something about it — can’t remember what. But after a while it just starts again. The dogs bark, the kids start crying and calling for mom. It’s weird. :( I’d never sleep there again, haha. xD

  2. What would you recommend if troubled by the bean sidhe (banshee)? They haunt families and predict death… They don’t cause it, so maybe they are okay.

    What about a golem? Those things are scary. And not alive.

  3. Pingback: Grab a Tissue Because it’s Time for The First Inaugural MRTB Roast. | MY RIGHT TO BITCH

  4. Haha, I’ve never heard of the calling out the “christian name 3 times” cure. I’m just going to do that obnoxiously next time someone is yelling at me.

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