depressing and vitriolic- you have been warned

I had a dream about Caylee Anthony the other night.  She was smiling, laughing.  At first she was in a car.  I think the car swerving around or something.  I don’t remember seeing who was driving.  But the little girl was still laughing and smiling, playing.  She didn’t know the car was out of control.  In another scene I saw her standing somewhere (I don’t remember), and she was dancing around.  In both instances, I felt this terrible sadness; I knew she was going to die.  I couldn’t change that for some reason.

Not to over-sentimentalize or be dramatic, but I wonder if the driver of out of control car was her own mother (who shall remain the nameless douche-bag slut-bitch that she is, since she has already gleaned far too much attention off of her daughter’s death.)  I wonder if I had the dream because, ever since I had my daughter, the news I saw everyday (and most of the time this was no exaggeration) was parents abusing and killing their kids, and family annihilators, animals being tortured.  ANOTHER missing toddler.  I say the news I “saw” everyday, because I actually had to stop looking at the news via the inter-webz, because it was just so damn depressing- bad for my state of mind.

And there is nothing  I can do about it.  I’m not trying to say “woe is me, I can’t do anything to make a difference.”  I have 2 rescue cats and one very expensive foster-turned-adopted cat, but I can’t save them all.  But I can’t do anything to make a significant difference, especially not to the Caylee Anthony’s that are already  gone.

A friend once said, “you just love your daughter that much more.  Make her  (the little portion of the world I can control) happy and healthy.”  I understand what she means, but even my own child I can only protect so much, and that kills me.

So… is this dream a reflection of my own disgust- no, despair- for all the children and animals I can’t save and the trend of violence and non-culpability in this world that I can’t change?  Is it my fear for my own child?  Is it just the result of random chaos spinning itself out in my head while I sleep?  Probably all of those things.

Some people say “trust in God.”  Well, I was really trying to do that right up until I had my kid…  but it’s so hard to see God in a world where this stuff happens.  I don’t want a theological debate.  I’m just pointing out that praying is having little to no effect on either the outcomes of these situations or my anxiety over them.

One more thing about that sloppy bitch of a mother that poor child had (and all the mothers and fathers like her)-  I know there are some people actually defending her to the extent that “she was not convicted of murder,” “it was a terrible accident”, and other similar responsibility-foisting remarks.  I don’t care.  She did nothing  to help the police.  She lied, she manipulated, she willfully covered up whatever DID actually happen, while a nation worried and prayed and searched for her child.   She is a skeeze.  I would like to cause massive amounts of damage to her physical person…with my bare hands, preferably.  Her and all the ones like her.  I hope someone does, at any rate.  I hope they get what they deserve (in this world, not the next!)

But I don’t hold out much hope.

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