Okay, last thing’s first. I’m starting to think I must have a tapeworm or overactive thyroid or something. In fact, I am almost hoping I do. What started out as sporadic and mostly an annoyance and hindrance to my weight loss efforts even with the added bump in exercise, has become out of control. I am hungry almost all the time.
Before you ask, yes, I make sure to get a good mix of fiber and protein. I cook fairly healthily. I sleep with a cup of water by my bed. Yes, I take meds that may increase hunger, but most of them I have either been on for a long time, or have been on previously without hunger to this degree. I am to the point where I am consuming upwards of 500-1000 calories before I even get up to start my day!!! I am getting up repeatedly in the middle of the night and needing to ‘snack.’ I have tried eating fruit, a spoonful of peanut butter, drinking a half cup whole milk… And I called my doctor (this is the second time I have asked a doctor/nurse practitioner to address this situation) only to be told she doesn’t ‘have any ideas.’ Well, gee, I’m so glad I pay you my co-pays for fucking nothing.
My stomach is cramping, it’s rumbly; it’s burpy, acidy, and uncomfortable feeling… even as soon as an half hour to an hour after a reasonable sized meal.
NURSE: (paraphrased) She (the nurse practitioner) said maybe you need to a more balanced diet…but you said you already eat well. Maybe you need to exercise more.
ME: I already go to volleyball once a week and exercise on my elliptical 4 to 5 times a week.
NURSE: Well, you know when you exercise more, you eat more. Maybe you are burning more calories and not getting enough. Maybe you need to eat more.
ME: (MORE?) Then why am I ten pounds overweight?
Seriously? So if I eat but don’t exercise, I’m fucked. And if I exercise, I eat more, so I’m fucked. Great. I could diagnose and treat myself if they’d give me a prescription pad, for all the good these people’s college educations are doing me.
So what about the other things? Well, the insomnia… I’ve pretty much always slept poorly. I have a bladder disorder that makes me have to get up often at night. I also have anxiety issues that, despite being treated for, still do make sleep an issue at times. AND I have a 21 month old daughter who seems some nights like she’s gearing up to be a future insomniac as well. Like this morning. She woke up at 4am and decided she didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. I finally got her back to sleep about 6.
Which brings me indirectly to my writer’s block. A lot of it (most of it) is my lack of prioritizing my attempts to produce a novel over other activities (like this blog, for instance.) Also, it’s hard to concentrate on writing when a toddler is running around causing mayhem, or even better (worse) crawling into my lap, clamoring for my attention. I am reminded that these moments go by quickly, and I feel bad for not paying enough attention to her. And even when she naps, I find myself either busy blogging, cleaning around the apartment, exercising, or too damn tired from not getting enough sleep to do anything! I wanna nap with her. Sometimes I try and am successful; oftentimes I am just drifting off when she is ready to wake up.
SO…here I am, once again NOT working on my novel. I’m tired. My back is sore. The laundry needs folding and the kitchen floor needs cleaning. And, damn but I’m hungry!