To Smoke or Not to Smoke…or to Smoke?

Annnnnd I’m a smoker again. I can no longer deny it. I have bought several packs of cigarettes and have started to feel the old “what if I run out of cigarettes” anxiety- which is exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen again. And I want to quit again. I really need to quit again. Which is stronger? The desire and/ or compulsion to smoke or the guilt and cognitive dissonance I feel by smoking (not to mention the fact that my sinuses get worse and I feel like I’m “dragging” a lot of the time)? The guilt I feel when my daughter sees me smoke and my fear that she will smoke one day?
Yesterday I happened on a memorium for those public figures who died in 2012. After reading through those sixty-odd names and descriptions, something happened to me. Likely the same thing that always happens to me when I think too much about death (even the ones where the people lived to, like 95, and died naturally.) I get all nervous and anxious. I don’t handle death well. Not real death, not the concept of it or it’s inevitability, and especially not the whole “ceasing to exist” idea.
Bottom line is, I may get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of an aneurysm, but I’d like to not hasten my demise with cigarettes (although I maintain that if they we’re bad for you I certainly would keep smoking.) And I want to set a good example for my kid.
So I decided to quit again.

“HOLY SHIT! These things are bad for you? Shit, I thought they were good for you! I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff!” ~ Denis Leary

Just as soon as this pack is done.

9 responses to “To Smoke or Not to Smoke…or to Smoke?

  1. (Dianda, I’m saying in advance that if what I say sounds short or directed to you, I don’t mean it that way at all! 🙂 I’m just putting my two cents in!)

    Smokers know how impossibly hard it can be to quit cold turkey. It’s one of the worst experiences ever, no matter the benefits. As a former myself, I wish I could say, “It’s totally easy,” but the habit becomes such a part of your life that it can be seemingly impossible to give it up.

    You can do it, Kelly! Any help or advice I can offer, let me know! I’ve got a few tidbits here and there I might be able to help with!

    I’m so glad you’re back to blogging, too! I gotta join back in on it as well!

  2. Hey, I know a little bit about fighting nicotine addiction. It’s a pernicious bitch. It helps me to remember that even if I’m not a smoker any more, I’ll always be an addict. If I backslide (and like you, I have done that), it helps me to admit it, not beat myself up and start again.

    Any time you don’t have a cigarette in your hand, you’ve quit. Remember, this isn’t something that has an end, even if you never smoke another cigarette again. It’s never going to end. I don’t mean that in a negative way, but I think it’s helpful to look at it from a different angle. Instead of thinking of it as a disease you must cure, it might be beneficial to see it as an affliction with which you must live.

    • In a way, I do try to approach it like that. I dunno if you read my other post on smoking, but I feel even if I bum one from time to time, if I am not buying cigarettes and I don’t feel like I HAVE to have a pack at my disposal, I am a step ahead.

  3. Pingback: Weekend Introspection | alienredqueen

  4. Pingback: ARQ’s Top 10 Reasons Quitting Smoking Sucks | alienredqueen

  5. Pingback: What the F*ck Do You Think You’re Doing??? | alienredqueen

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