Annnnnd I’m a smoker again. I can no longer deny it. I have bought several packs of cigarettes and have started to feel the old “what if I run out of cigarettes” anxiety- which is exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen again. And I want to quit again. I really need to quit again. Which is stronger? The desire and/ or compulsion to smoke or the guilt and cognitive dissonance I feel by smoking (not to mention the fact that my sinuses get worse and I feel like I’m “dragging” a lot of the time)? The guilt I feel when my daughter sees me smoke and my fear that she will smoke one day?
Yesterday I happened on a memorium for those public figures who died in 2012. After reading through those sixty-odd names and descriptions, something happened to me. Likely the same thing that always happens to me when I think too much about death (even the ones where the people lived to, like 95, and died naturally.) I get all nervous and anxious. I don’t handle death well. Not real death, not the concept of it or it’s inevitability, and especially not the whole “ceasing to exist” idea.
Bottom line is, I may get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of an aneurysm, but I’d like to not hasten my demise with cigarettes (although I maintain that if they we’re bad for you I certainly would keep smoking.) And I want to set a good example for my kid.
So I decided to quit again.
Just as soon as this pack is done.