Days like this have a strange effect on me. It’s beautiful: about sixty five degrees, bright, breezy. The pretty little weeds that look like tiny flowers are all over the grass. Birds are chirping loudly in the trees. Weather like this, days like this, make me feel energized and uplifted.
And yet they also make me feel nostalgic and strangely bitter-sweet. The sights, the sounds, the feel and smell of the breeze drifting in my open window– are all like ghosts of my childhood, sneaking into the house of my mind through my five senses. It’s subtle, because there’s not necessarily any one specific memory. It’s more like a general and pervasive mood. And it’s slightly depressing.
There’s some truth in the saying “You can’t go home again.” I’ve thought about it before; in terms of my family, I can never go back to being that little girl that didn’t know that Uncle Jimmy* was an alcoholic or that Uncle Mark* used to beat Aunt Maggie up. I can’t go back to being the little girl that picked violets in my grandmother’s huge backyard; that house was sold many, many years ago and my grandma died last May.
I’ll be 32 next month and sometimes I feel like my college and high school days were just yesterday. Today I was outside watching my toddler run around in the grass.
It’s scary. I blinked and got “old.” What if I blink again and my daughter is grown up? Blink once more and I’m old and about to die? Maudlin thoughts like these remind me of my preteen days. These thoughts are like a throwback to the confused kid I used to be, the one who stood looking out the window, with a vague feeling of seemingly no origin, a feeling of “something’s not right”– It was a time when my thoughts were often ruled by a nameless anxiety I didn’t understand. I was preoccupied with the passage of time and how untenable it was.
And though I’m medicated and therefore better at being the master of my anxieties and fears, rather than the slave, it’s still something I think about. And days like this seem to bring those feelings back in a very nonspecific, formless sport of way, almost more like an association than a complete thought.
But no amount of worrying or melancholy will change these things. Time passes, things change, people grow old and die. The best I can do is live every moment and live in the moment. And today is a beautiful moment to live.
Because you understand or because I’m a freak? lol
I understand it completely. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. I thi it’s interesting too, after our conversation the other day.
Spring… It fucks me up. I think that since I started growing plants, it means something a bit different to me, something better! as I have something to do that means something to me and garners a physical, pleasurable result.
But the newness, the freshness, of spring has always brought me so very low – because my life wasn’t new or fresh when the world screamed change and renewal at me from every direction. The excitement filled me – and got stoppered with nowhere to go. I’m not medicated currently but damn well should be! I had a good evening, in the sunshine – cold as hell but sun nonetheless. Nawp, yer not a freak at all – if just one other knows then it’s just different 😉
Well, I guess you can look at it two ways… Spring is a time of renewal, but somethings don’t really die, but rather just sort of “go dormant” in winter and pop back up in Spring. I like that growing things brings you peace and pleasure. Helping things grow…maybe that can be part of YOUR renewal too!
Spent ages at it yesterday, screaming back and legs today paying for my ‘fun.’ Sigh…
I think that there are moments when we’re all reminded of our own immortality which I think is a reminder that we need to live each day to the fullest that we can
True dat! Luckily for most people they don’t dwell on it. It can make living hard.
I think you’ve got the right attitude. I’m older than you, and can say that from my experience, it only seems to speed up. Life becomes more bittersweet, but I think bittersweet is a taste better appreciated by a more mature person. It adds poignancy and depth to our lives. That you have lost your grandmother undoubtedly affects your feelings for your child in a positive way, making that love somehow more urgent and precious.
Everything you said sounds positive and nice…and yet it scares the shit out of me. o.O
And here endeth the lesson.
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” And today is a beautiful moment to live.” – Beautiful!!!
🙂 Did I say that? Sounds so…enlightened. lol