I was accosted approached by yet ANOTHER set of Mormon missionaries, this time boys instead of the usual pairs of “God Girls” we always get at our complex.  They approached me while I was taking Malachi out. I thought, “here we go again,” but as I am incapable of being rude, (hard to believe, I know) I asked them to allow me to put the dog back inside and then I returned with doo doo bags.   Then they watched me clean up dog shit and tried to get me to listen to them recite all the stock lines I have heard before from these people a million times…  I wonder if it was as awkward for them as it was me, as I scooped up ginormous dog poo with my bag-covered hand.

“I know this to be the truth…”
“Yes,” I explained as patiently as I could, “but I like things like empiracal data and evidence.”  I left out the part about how I could believe in purple unicorns that fart rainbows and “know it to be the truth,” but that wouldn’t, in fact, make ot true.  But instead I asked them if science and their religion were mutually exclusive, as often seems to be the case, depending on who you ask.  And although they said no, that both science and religion were one half of a whole picture (one winked first one eye and then the other to demonstrate monocular vision, just in case I was especially slow, I guess) and then earnestly told me, “but I think the big bang theory is a little far-fetched.”  To my credit, I stifled my laugh…mostly, but I did tell him I felt the same way about the creationist idea of God basically whipping the earth into existence in seven days.

But what really killed me was that as they tried to get me to open my mind and heart or whatever to their God, I happened to look in the distance and saw a beautiful post storm rainbow.  I drew their attention to it, saying something like, “how beautiful,” and they  barely glanced over their shoulders, and without even breaking stride (they must have thought I had some sort of attention deficit)  turned back to me and continued their spiel, indifferent to the natural beauty that their wondrous God had presumably made (eh hem…)

Clearly they rehearse all of their lines and answers very well, it seems as if any deviation in their train of thought derails the whole damn thing.  I ended the conversation like I always do.  “You are welcome to come ‘talk’ to me (they always ask), have coffee, pet the dog… but I don’t wish to be converted”.  Then they always offer their help should we ever “need anything.”

They try SO hard to be nice and accessable, but as they always say the same things… I mean almost the exact same things… you know it must be in some Mormon handbook or something.  It feels so false.  It feels like when I sold supplemental insurance and had to make cold calls.  We had scripts for how to turn a ‘no’ into a ‘yes.’  I sucked at it, by the way.  But these people, it feels like there is nothing behind those luke-warm smiles and offers of “help.”

Pod people, I tell you.


9 responses to “Rainbow

  1. Twice I have had these folk come to my door. Both times I was either getting in or out of the tub/shower. I feel like they should have been more impressed than they seemed to be when what I think is by far the most impressive time to ever answer the door in a long robe with my hair draped down around my shoulders.

    • I have to wonder… I mean, I bet they have seen some strange things before. I also remember a time …er, long long a go before i was a responsible adult… where my friends and I ordered pizza and answered the door naked. XD

      • I mean, I’m sure they were never expecting to roll up on Jesus’ house. Maybe I should maybe put in some back lighting and some speakers that played trumpets or that “ohawww” angels from heaven sound.
        Oh, yeah sometimes my avi is misleading, I’m not a girl. We met on Rara’s post last nite but I like to stay anonymous in here.

        • I wondered… not if you were a girl, but if you were on that post… But, everytime I talk about the “God girls/boys” I think of Robin WIlliams and his stand-up….

          “Have you found Jesus?”
          (*answers door naked…*) “No, wanna come in and help me look?!”

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