When the Love is Gone…
What’s Left?
Most of us have been there– a relationship that just didn’t work out. Not just someone you dated once or twice, but a relationship that actually took off, but then for some reason, began to lose steam. Or worse– crash and burn in a fiery conflagration of suspicion and hostility after some transgression or betrayal on the part of one or both parties.
And then what’s left? Broken hearts, bitterness, tears… and an apparent disregard for the feelings of someone we once claimed to love.
When I went through this myself, back at then end of high school, beginning of college, I simply couldn’t fathom why I was being treated so badly. The answer soon became apparent; the lying, the flagrant disrespect for me, disregard for my feelings, and blatant hostility, even in the face of my tears. This was the “man” who had once begged me in tears to come back to him. Now he was threatening to cut his wrists in front of me. The narcissism. The manipulation. The threats and name-calling. I’m pretty sure my ex had sociopathic tendencies…
Obviously, not all exes are “psychos” (incidentally one of his favorite insults to hurl at me,) however, even perfectly normal people have the capacity to be emotionally brutal to their partners. Something I used to say often, and which I believe is true for a great many people (but at least I was upfront about it) is that when I get hurt, I get angry.
It’s a defense mechanism. However, often, the person on the receiving end of verbal darts carelessly slung around in an argument are often innocent (subjectively speaking) of any wrong-doing— at least, the type of wrong doing that would warrant such emotional warfare.
You’re such a psycho…
No one will ever put up with you…
Where has [it] gotten you? You have nothing going for you…
I understand striking out when you’re hurt. I’ve even been known to throw a punch or two, back in my younger days. But I learned a lot from my ex. I hate to say it, but it’s true.
I learned how I never wanted to be treated again. I learned what I wouldn’t put up with from someone. I learned not to fight back using name-calling or worse…giving a liar a black eye. I also learned that I didn’t like the person I had become as a result of being with my ex… Insecure, and abusive in my own right.
But this post isn’t really about me or my ex. It’s about how people treat one another. Relationships are complicated, and blame goes both ways. Maybe your partner has hurt you. Maybe you are in the midst of a break-up, with no foreseeable hope of reconciliation. But do you really want to hurt this person you once loved, or maybe even still love? Silence can be a very damaging and passive-aggressive form of fighting…
But sometimes silence is your friend. If you are losing control, and you know you might say something you can’t take back, keep your mouth shut. Don’t just walk away, but tell your partner you need a few minutes to yourself and then walk away. And if your partner tells you they need a moment, let them walk away. You can save yourself and your partner a lot of hurt. Even if you see no future with them, do you really need the stress of fighting with them?
Sometimes the problem is even more basic. Some people just don’t care if they hurt someone else’s feelings.
I can’t stress it enough– when this is a repeated pattern, especially if it’s not in the heat of the moment (and thus not an issue of self control) this is a very clear sign. I learned it myself, after too long being mistreated, waiting for apologies that never came. When your partner no longer cares if they hurt you, it’s time to move on.
To everyone else… fight fair. If not for your partner’s sake, for your own. Being nasty to your partner is not conducive to mending a relationship. Don’t take the bait and give into trading insults. Even if things don’t work out, you will know you did the best you could and stood on higher ground. Not to be better than them, but to be a better you.
Related articles
- How to Fight Fair (psychologytoday.com)
- Emotionally Abusive Men (jenlynn401.wordpress.com)
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