All You Need to Know About The Expendables 2

*may contain one or two tiny, itsy, bitsy spoilers

The Expendables 2

1) Jet Li is ten pounds of kick-ass in a five pound bag.

2) Chuck Norris jokes are even funnier when said by Chuck Norris.

3) Charisma Carpenter’s boobs have indeed gotten huge-ish since Buffy.

Charisma Carpenter on Burn Notice

4) Chuck Norris is seventy-fuckin’- two years old… still pretty bad-ass.

5) Danny Trejo is not in this movie; why isn’t Danny Trejo in this movie?  He and Dolph Lundgren can have a hand-to-hand with their big blades.  (A hand-to-hand fight, pervert.  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Danny Trejo as…Machete

6) Comedic lines deliver callback-like nods to the main actors’ other films throughout the movie.  The following conversation between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis occurs:

 Schwarzenegger: “I’m out of ammo. I’ll be back.”

Willis:  “You’ve been back enough. I’ll be back!”

Schwarzenegger: “Yippee-ki-yay!”

Yes…that actually happened.

7)  Almost half of the main characters can or will soon be able to qualify for Social Security.  Only four of the guys on Barney Ross’s (Stallone) crew are under 50, not counting Gale…I mean, Liam Hemsworth… but the odds are not especially ever in his favor.  (<— See what I did there?)

and did I mention

8) Holy shit, these 80’s movies guys look like been rode hard and put away wet!

Dolph Lundgren

Stallone: “That thing belongs in a museum.”

Schwarzenegger: “We all do.”

Arrogance: The Predictable Pathology of Badguys

*spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen 3000 Miles to Graceland or Live Free and Die Hard (thanks Smaktakula!)

The scene is this; having just pulled off a heist (with questionable success), five men dressed as the King (Elvis, not King Charles) narrowly escape in a helicopter. One is grievously wounded in the process. Despite Murphy’s (Kevin Costner) frantic and heroic efforts at resuscitation, “Franklin” dies on the floor. The camera pans to the faces of the others and all around there are looks of solemn reflection and sadness… it’s all very touching.

3000 Miles to Graceland

And the same thing goes through my mind EVERY TIME a movie bad guy gets his knickers all in a twist when one of his buddies gets greased. I just watched three of the four guys riding in that copter (not including the “getaway driver” pilot) slaughter security guards and cops wholesale, as well as a few innocent casino patrons, and (unless my eyes deceived me) a midget dressed as Elvis, with absolutely no compunction whatsoever (Not Kurt Russell‘s character, though, cuz Kurt’s the man.)  But one of their buddies gets what’s usually coming to them and they go nuclear.

Another example that comes immediately to mind is Timothy Olyphant‘s character in Live Free or Die Hard, when his accomplice and girlfriend, a “smoking hot little ninja chick,” gets her ass handed to her by Bruce Willis. Olyphant is furious, and he claims, with just the right amount of righteous indignation (and common improper use of grammar) that Willis has no idea what he is capable of. (Is it still considered gauche to end a sentence with a preposition?) Never mind that Olyphant and his crew (including Ninja Chick) have arbitrarily murdered anyone in their way, not to mention all the “incidental” deaths and collateral damage resulting from their “Fire Sale.”

Do these guys think they’re the only ones with people they care about? Or do they just not care? That’s more than likely the case…if they thought about it all.  In a way, the fact that it may never even cross their minds, that indifference, that indifference and arrogance, has the worst implications of all.  As if the “bad guys” consider their victims subhuman, or beneath their consideration at all.  And you might say, “Well duh…they’re BAD GUYS.”  I don’t think I need to expound upon, or drive home the parallels to our real life “bad guys.”

I give you enough credit to draw your own conclusions…and I’m tired of sitting at McDonald’s and using their WiFi.  😀  More later.  MWAH!