So…I’m contemplating taking the leap again. Yes, that’s right, I’m going to…
Curiously, my decision actually came the day before yesterday, before I found out my friend and neighbor went to the hospital for a triple bypass. And I thought, to help me stay on course this time, I’d make a list of the top ten reason to quit smoking. But that is just so ’90’s. And it would probably be boring for you guys too. AND…I’m probably gonna be a bit cranky for a while and need something besides cat memes to make me laugh. So I’m gonna make a list of all the reasons why quitting smoking is gonna suck.
10. I won’t have an excuse to stand outside and freeze my ass off with my coffee in the morning.
9. I’ll be missing the perfect “dessert” to go with any greasy, fatty take-out I might order.
8. I won’t have an excuse to put a crying, tamtrumy toddler in her playpen and leave for five minutes.
7. I won’t be able to use chain-smoking to lubricate the gears of my brain while I attempt to write my best-seller.
6. I won’t have something to keep my hands occupied and my nerves calm while I talk on the phone to my mother.
5. What am I going to do with all this extra mucus in my head, if I no longer need it to clean out my sinuses?
4. I won’t have that extra punch in the morning that gets my bowels moving regularly. (You’re welcome.)
3. I won’t have that extra nicotine boost to help keep the weight off, and will likely have to replace all my cigarette breaks with “Reese’s Cups Breaks.”
2. Somehow, a stick of gum after sex just doesn’t have the same appeal.
And, the number one reason quitting smoking sucks…
1. Because Fuck You. That’s why.
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