I was talking to a friend today about some recent changes in her life. She told me she still had some sad days but was overall doing well. She said much with a few words; she said, “This is life.”
It reminded me of something I was contemplating on the day before…
We, as humans, are not meant to be “happy” always. Just as we are not meant to be “sad” always. We are meant to be content with our lives, and moments of happiness and sadness, like anything else, come and go.
But I think Denis Leary said it best:
“Happiness comes in small doses folks. It’s a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm… You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to bed, get up in next and go to fucking work… That is it. End of fucking list! ”
Personally, for me, Denis Leary in a dress is a happy moment.
Yeah, me and Denis got this life thing nailed!
Annnnnd I’m a smoker again. I can no longer deny it. I have bought several packs of cigarettes and have started to feel the old “what if I run out of cigarettes” anxiety- which is exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen again. And I want to quit again. I really need to quit again. Which is stronger? The desire and/ or compulsion to smoke or the guilt and cognitive dissonance I feel by smoking (not to mention the fact that my sinuses get worse and I feel like I’m “dragging” a lot of the time)? The guilt I feel when my daughter sees me smoke and my fear that she will smoke one day?
Yesterday I happened on a memorium for those public figures who died in 2012. After reading through those sixty-odd names and descriptions, something happened to me. Likely the same thing that always happens to me when I think too much about death (even the ones where the people lived to, like 95, and died naturally.) I get all nervous and anxious. I don’t handle death well. Not real death, not the concept of it or it’s inevitability, and especially not the whole “ceasing to exist” idea.
Bottom line is, I may get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of an aneurysm, but I’d like to not hasten my demise with cigarettes (although I maintain that if they we’re bad for you I certainly would keep smoking.) And I want to set a good example for my kid.
So I decided to quit again.
“HOLY SHIT! These things are bad for you? Shit, I thought they were good for you! I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff!” ~ Denis Leary
Just as soon as this pack is done.