“I’m Having an Emotion”

Feeling rather frustrated today.  It’s really pretty outside, and nothing is awful, per se, so I feel a little weird complaining.

But I’m gonna, because, well, if you can’t complain about shit you can’t change, what can you do? (Hardy Har)

Since tapering off the steroid, my hives are back, along with the acid reflux my Singulair is giving me, magnified.  Today, the acid is creeping into my throat and making my neck and tongue tingle and hurt as well.   I had a pulmonary function test this week, and was surprised to discover that aside from my “asthmatic episodes,” I actually have a slightly better than normal lung capacity.  So…yay me, I guess.  But I feel like shit today.

Then there’s the training job I was passed over for…after MUCH work and, apparently, much miscommunication…of the sort where apparently the business development manager from NJ, who I have been collaborating with all along, thought something I was supposed to do a certain way, and I neglected to pull the details of that “something”  out if thin air with my telepathic powers of omniscience.  Mind you, this is the second time he has been disappointed in me already, for failing to know I should do something in a way he never told me to do it.  Already, I am so disappointing and he has never met me.

So after telling me, via e-mail, that he gave the local position to someone who could offer more classes, he also gently chided me for failing to kiss ass  read his mind again take the initiative…yes, that’s it, to go in and meet the new local manager before I even secured the job in question.  And then… wait for it…he offered me the possibility of a position in a store farther away.

Now, set my own personal disappointment aside, I have just also officially learned that DH was passed over for promotion at his job…AGAIN… for some one LESS qualified…AGAIN. Because he doesn’t kiss the right ass or he isn’t related to the right people.  Yes, this is actually how it works at his job and no one really does anything about it, for fear of losing their job if they speak up.  And all this favoritism never seems to bite management in the ass either, because there is always someone who has to clean up the mess (my husband, for instance) that  the “teacher’s pets” have made.

Sorry.  I know I am grumbly, but I am feeling very jaded today.  In fact, I think I will delve into my growing folder of JPEGs and GIFs saved specifically for hard to express emotions to illustrate how I am feeling.

First:  we’ll call this one shock/numb incredulity.

What? What?! Seriously?

Next comes the visceral gut response.  Seething fury and frustration.

Usually accompanied by flagrant use of profanity and/or hard liquor.

And finally, and this is the longest phase, most likely continuing even after “acceptance…”  And that is abject disgust:

No one does “disgust” better than Prince.

So, if I accomplished nothing else by complaining on the bloggie today, at least I will have given you the gift of GIF.  (Baddum bum!)

DP: Helpless? I Don’t Think So!

The DP Challenge for today is sort of ironic:

Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

It’s irony is two-fold in that I have felt sort of helpless about my life for a while.  Please understand, I am not unhappy with my life.  I have a wonderful, hard-working, good-looking hubby and a beautiful, intelligent, and sweet two year old girl.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything…  and yet, other aspects of my life have been suffering for a while, for many reasons.

I’d say the root of this is probably the unpleasant shock that came when I graduated from college in 2005 with a double degree… and could not get a job.   Getting a job was like getting credit in a way.  If you don’t have credit, you can’t get credit.  Similarly, there are so many people in the job market today that even in specialized positions, employers feel they have a wide sea of eager fish to choose from.  We eagerly await their return calls, while they have their choice of prospect after prospect in a revolving door of interviews.  Also, they want education.  They want that little piece of paper that says you went to school for at least for years and your education is specialized in this or that.  But…

They also want job experience.  I worked my way full time and went to school part-time, and I worked part time and to school full-time, and I’m sure variations of the two.  But my job was at a mortgage company– read: not my desired career field.  So when exactly, after working in the day and then going off to school in the evening, or visa versa, was I supposed to have time to intern for job experience.  I had my own apartment, no roommates, bills to pay.

Also, turns out my majors were not well thought out.  Turns out, to get a decent job in Psychology, you pretty much need a Master’s degree, and to work in a specialized field in Criminal Justice, it’s usually advised that you walk a beat.

Maybe my counselor in the Student Aid office should have mentioned some of this stuff when she was suggesting I declare a double major.  Just saying.

Maybe you should have planned better and got a job in your career field, you may say.

To which I would answer either 1) How, with no education?  or

2) Hindsight is 20/20.  Should I continue to pay for making ill-informed or uninformed choices forever?

But alas, I digress…  The point is, suffice it to say, I only had a general idea of what I might want to do.  It’s moot now anyway, because I don’t think I could stomach the job I initially dreamed of having, a criminal profiling job.  I’ve become too sensitive.

And despite having a fulfilling home life, my “career” has fallen by the wayside.

I also have long had aspirations of writing novels as well, but have never been able to complete a novel length manuscript (see my post on writer’s block.)

I have also long wanted to work with animals.

I have a lot of interests and a little experience with a lot of things.  In other words, I know a little about a lot.

Do you see my problem here?  My goals are many and thus I have not given 100% to any of them.  There’s also the money problem.  I haven’t held another full time, career type position since my three and a half year stint at the mortgage company.  Not for lack of trying.  Just a no-go.  So we don’t really have extra money now, even for me to invest in myself.  Similarly, hubby has some ideas of his own he  may or may not decide to pursue.

Well, this brings me to the second reason the DP Challenge for today is sort of ironic.  I have been entertaining the idea for a while that I would love to work either in animal control or with police and service dogs.

Yesterday, I found out my sister is going to school to work with dogs.  I talked to her on the phone today and she offered to send the info about her program.  I am excited, but I am already thinking of all the reasons this won’t work out for me.

I won’t have the money for the program; I won’t have the time; There’s no one to watch the baby if I have to go to classes while hubby is at work; Will hubby be upset if I want to go to school and he still hasn’t gotten to?

But this could be the first step in me “taking the reins back” on my professional life, so to speak.  I also tend to vacillate between being hopeful and being pessimistic about my career situation, and so maybe I need to put a cork in the negativity and, you know… like Nike says, Just do it! Swish!