All You Need to Know About The Expendables 2

*may contain one or two tiny, itsy, bitsy spoilers

The Expendables 2

1) Jet Li is ten pounds of kick-ass in a five pound bag.

2) Chuck Norris jokes are even funnier when said by Chuck Norris.

3) Charisma Carpenter’s boobs have indeed gotten huge-ish since Buffy.

Charisma Carpenter on Burn Notice

4) Chuck Norris is seventy-fuckin’- two years old… still pretty bad-ass.

5) Danny Trejo is not in this movie; why isn’t Danny Trejo in this movie?  He and Dolph Lundgren can have a hand-to-hand with their big blades.  (A hand-to-hand fight, pervert.  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Danny Trejo as…Machete

6) Comedic lines deliver callback-like nods to the main actors’ other films throughout the movie.  The following conversation between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis occurs:

 Schwarzenegger: “I’m out of ammo. I’ll be back.”

Willis:  “You’ve been back enough. I’ll be back!”

Schwarzenegger: “Yippee-ki-yay!”

Yes…that actually happened.

7)  Almost half of the main characters can or will soon be able to qualify for Social Security.  Only four of the guys on Barney Ross’s (Stallone) crew are under 50, not counting Gale…I mean, Liam Hemsworth… but the odds are not especially ever in his favor.  (<— See what I did there?)

and did I mention

8) Holy shit, these 80’s movies guys look like been rode hard and put away wet!

Dolph Lundgren

Stallone: “That thing belongs in a museum.”

Schwarzenegger: “We all do.”

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The Not-So-Walking Dead (*warning,graphic)

Most of my friends probably know I love all things zombie, so I’m not gonna complain much when I’m watching any number of walking-dead/returned- to- life themed shows or movies.

Ooookay, that’s a white lie.  Okay, so I’m one of those people who was so sucked in by the Resident Evil games and the multitude of zombie movies that I like to entertain the idea that I wouldn’t become zombie bait on the first day of the apocalypse.  It’s not uncommon for me to be watching  one of these shows or movies and yelling at the people on the TV,  telling them every stupid thing they’re doing.

AMC’s The Walking Dead is no exception.  I love the show.  It’s a very character-driven take on the usual zombie apocalypse theme; I’d imagine the characters have to have more depth if the show is going to keep viewers interested for more than a couple episodes.

Norman Reedus as Daryl Dixon is just an added incentive for me to watch The Walking Dead

But these people do some stupid shit!  For instance, if you were concerned with a blood borne contagion, why would you stab a zombie through the head (or any other body part for that matter?)  An interesting tidbit you may or may not have gleaned from popular crime shows is that when a person stabs another person, there is a high likelihood of the assailant injuring themselves on their own weapon.  By all means, why don’t we just invite the infection in?

But anyway, as much as I love my zombie movies, I can’t quite get past this one fundamental flaw in the whole idea of an extended “zombie apocalypse.”  In most of these stories, shows, and films, the source of the pandemic usually ends up being traced to a biological or physiological cause, most often a virus of some sort.  The creators of these shows want it to seem as if the scenario they are positing could be scientifically possible, if not exactly likely. Bear with me, because this is relevant to the point I’m about to make.

For the zombies to reach such an advanced state of decay, one of two things would have to happen:

1) They have to have risen from the grave a’ la the original Night of the Living Dead

or

2) They “newly” dead would have to continue to decompose after death, despite the fact that they remained mobile.

“You don’t just wake up looking this good!”

Either way, after decomposition progresses to a certain point, muscle tissue and ligaments are going to break down and locomotion will then be a scientific impossibility.  There are a bajillion changes the body goes through postmortem, beginning with autolysis (in the gut) and putrefaction ( microbial growth.)  Ultimately, these processes lead to liquefaction and disintegration of the body.  Simply put…   the very dead no walkee.

Bloating in the abdomen as autolysis occurs and gasses collect in the face, abdominal cavity, and scrotum. This body has spent approximately a week in summer-like conditions.

**I found this photo on the internet, but can speak for its authenticity because this same photo appears in one of my school books for a Forensics class that I had.  The information regarding time and conditions of death came directly from that book.

So basically, the zombie apocalypse would really suck for about two weeks, three tops… until everyone started to rot and fall apart… at which point it would probably suck even harder.

You’re welcome. 😉

*Edit: A friend of mine brought up a good point that I need to clarify:  A zombie pandemic/plague/whatever could indeed be perpetuated beyond two to three weeks, assuming people continued to be contaminated by contact with either the bodily fluids of the dead bodies or the undead.  However, the main thrust of this blog entry is that each individual dead body could not be mobile for an extended period of time once decomposition began to break down the muscles and tissues necessary for locomotion…  

I’ve put too much thought into this.  Maybe I need a new hobby.

The Girl Who Loved Horror Movies

Once upon a time…

there was a girl who loved horror movies.  She was never really into romantic comedies like a lot of other girls, although if she got interested in a movie, she’d watch it even if it wasn’t “horror.”  She loved to write too.  Can you guess what she might have liked to write?

Eventually, she grew up to become a young woman who loved horror films.  Once time she wanted to figure out how many horror movies she had seen in her life, so she found up a fairly comprehensive list on Wikipedia and went through each decade, year by year, tallying the films she knew or remembered having seen.  Of course the list was not 100% accurate, but it gave her a good idea.  At the time, she had seen over 300 horror films.

But then, tragedy struck…  she lost her tally sheet, and stopped keeping track of the new films she saw.

Now…

 this young woman is a wife and mother who loves horror films…  and she has decided to take another stab at this list.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion and findings of the experiment (I know you can hardly contain your excitement.)

Poltergeist

Creepy Pervert Love

I’ve been watching Labyrinth pretty much nonstop since we bought it last week for my daughter.  Partly, it’s because it’s something “new” (to our collection, anyway) to watch, and also something I can stand a little better than Dora the Explorer, which is a plus. Continue reading