Monday Morning Haiku (In the Evening)

Recently, in a bizarre turn of events, and through no fault of my own (this time at least, lol) I lost a close friend.  She just dropped out of my life.  Repeated attempts to contact her and find out why have been ignored.  I have texted, called, and emailed.  I could drop by her house, but it seems too confrontational.  At any rate, some of my stuff is there and I may have to at some point anyway if she continues to ignore me.  I have my suspicions her on again/off again asshat boyfriend has something to do with this.  That is not to say she still isn’t responsible for not standing up to him if he has in fact issued her an ultimatum.  I am angry and hurt and I go back and forth and sometimes am both at the same time, and it doesn’t help that I see her everyday when I pick my child up from school. She is always conveniently looking the other way, engrossed in some task .  Anyway, it has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I feel like a jilted lover.  Like I was dumped, without the courtesy of even a “fuck you” text.  It has occurred to me that we grieve all sorts of relationships, and not just after a death.  On that note, (which no doubt makes this haiku less ascerbic and more sad)…

 

The Stages of Grief part 1

The stages of grief

Are not really a straight line.

More like a zig zag

 

The Stages of Grief part 2

First I was confused.

Then I was angry, then sad.

Now I’m pissed again.

 

 

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Photo credit Lucia Merino

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Happy (belated) Birthday, “Ex” Friend

Dear longtime friend,

Since you “divorced” me a few months back, I’ll have to admit, I sort of forgot about the whole issue.  At least on a daily basis.  You see, since we live so far apart now, and social media was really our only contact, you erased yourself from my life, and me from yours, quite effectively with that “block” button on Facebook…although I still can’t exactly figure out why you felt that was necessary, as if “de-friending” me was not enough…like you thought I would just continue to send you messages even though we clearly had nothing else to talk about.

I went about my life, and , like I said, after the shock and upset over our initial argument wore off, I sort of forgot about it all.  Except for when one of our mutual friends would mention you in conversation, or in a Facebook comment I couldn’t see because, after 20 years of friendship, you decided my existence pissed you off so much, you didn’t want to see my name…or whatever.  Then I would get kinda mad.

But eventually I’d forget about it…

Until I went through all my old greeting cards, some from as far back as middle school, and found the ones from you.  On more than one, you proclaimed how we would be friends forever and you’d always be here for me.  It made me a bit sad, but it also made me mad.  I didn’t know if I should keep the cards or get rid of them.  After all, if you could throw me out like an old card, why should I keep these mementos of our friendship?  But I decided to…just in case.  

And then I forgot about it.  After all, I am a mom, a wife.  I am (once again) a student, a writer, an artist, and a volunteer.  I’m a daughter and a friend… SO I had a lot to occupy my mind… and I forgot about it again.

Except for whenever feminism came up in conversation.  It seems a stupid thing to lose a friend over.  It’s not an elitist club.  It’s not about being obligated to feel or act a certain way, but rather having the option to decide for oneself…  And that’s what I would tell whoever I happened to be in discussion with.  But then I would forget about it again.

And every once in a while, something random would make me think of you.  How you were at my wedding.  How you are one of few of my friends from my homestate who have gotten to meet my daughter, who was not born until after we left the state.  It’s always with a mixture of sadness and anger that I think of you.  It makes me sad that you feel you no longer want to share in my life, especially my life’s greatest joy, getting to know my daughter.  She is super-cool!

It makes me sad that I used to describe you as the nicest, most open-minded person I knew, and you took those words and bit me in the ass with them.  I understand activism is important to you, but you seem more angry now then empowered.

Today* was your birthday.   I thought about asking a mutual friend to wish you a happy birthday…then I started questioning myself.  Did I really care?  Did I want you to know I was thinking of you, or was I just being passive aggressive, letting you know that despite your snub, I was still around?  I don’t even really know why I am writing this now.  You likely have “unfollowed” my blog as well and will never see this message.  And I guess that’s fine.  Maybe it’s better even, since it would probably just piss you off.

But, Happy Birthday anyway.  And Happy Holidays too, for good measure.  In a day or so, I will forget about this again for a while.  But I will be here, as ever.

Love me.

(edited cuz I thought today was yesterday*)

J*’s Little Ponies: The Daryl Dixon Pony

My little girl loves My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic, so I decided I’d draw up some custom ponies for her.  These ponies will be based on the current art style of MLP:FIM, but I wanted to do some more…cutting edge ponies, with my own themes and “cutie mark” ideas.

Now, I debut my first pass at the Daryl Dixon Pony.   This female little pony is complete with Daryl’s trademark casually messy hair, crossbow, “ear” necklace…  And I added some fingerless gloves (ponies don’t have fingers anyway 😉 )a biohazard “cutie mark.”

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A Perspective on “Perspective”

I’ll admit I’m guilty of using the word myself, specifically when I am trying to get people to see other points of view or integrate new info into their existing view of something.

But until yesterday/today, when I had it used against me, I never realized how patronizing it can sound.  As in,

“This link provides a really awesome perspective,” 

sounds a lot like it should conclude… “because you obviously lack the information to make the correct choice on your own.”  

And when a person says, “I just want to give you a different perspective on [the topic]”  which is something I have been guilty of uttering myself, it sounds a bit condescending, as in “I just want to give you the correct perspective on the subject.”

See, “perspective” is a tricky word.  It means one thing, but there seems to be an underlying implicit meaning depending on the context in which it’s used.

The thing is, I’m not 100% sure how to word it so that it doesn’t sound patronizing and self-important.  Sometimes, I feel like when defending a position on a given topic, people get to the point where they don’t want to entertain any facts (facts, I say…even statistical data) that don’t support their point of view.  The recent explosive discussions about gun rights is a perfect example.  The extremes of both sides simply refuse to entertain even concrete facts from the “other side.”

The same can be said for arguments on religion vs. atheism.  I would like to stress that on either side of the argument, the point at which you feel like you have to beat someone over the head with your opinions and feelings to “make them see” is the point where you have crossed over from merely expressing your own opinion, to being a zealot.  And lets face it, the only people that like zealots are other zealots.  The irony is that once you reach that point, it is usually impossible to objectively see.

That said, I am a little sad today, and a little angry, that the stupid Facebook argument I had yesterday with someone who, basically, is not that important, has turned into a big disagreement with someone who is important.  Today, the subtle rift I’ve felt between me and a friend I have known for almost 20 years was ripped open into a giant, oozing gash.

Sounds dramatic, right?  I guess it feels a little that way.  How strange that our friendship is in danger of being over ending,  neither with a bang or a whimperbut with a constant and rapid tapping of computer keys.  We didn’t pick up the phone…we instant messaged.

And the argument was about, of all things, feminism.  I maintain that both my friend and I are strong, intelligent women.  Yet, there seems to be a great divide caused by how we choose, individually, to express that…namely how we attack or do not attack the issues women face today.  Apparently we are also stubborn.

Without getting into too many specifics, it seems as if we’ve reached an impasse.  For my part, I feel as if I’ve done all I can for right now, and that anything else would be akin to me chasing her around and nipping at her ankles.  She does not want to talk anymore.  Although angry, I feel as if I conducted myself reasonably well (at least by not saying something I might later regret, or resorting to mud-slinging.)

My hope is that that time will eventually lead to a resolution.  Even if we can “agree to disagree,” it seems as if there may always be that undercurrent of judgment and bitterness.

Well, at least we haven’t “de-friended” each other yet.

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“You Have One Zillion Friends”

Good friends are hard to find.  No matter what your Facebook friends list might say, we’re blessed with few people in our lives that fit all the criteria of a good friend.  My blogger friend, Crazy Train, raised a good point in a recent article.

…is your life so rich in friendship that you can afford the loss of a loved one or treasured friend over some small incident or word spoken in haste. If you can honestly say that your relationship with this person is too emotionally costly then possibly it is time to move on.

Good friends are hard to find…unless you’re Chuck Norris. [insert random Chuck Norris joke here]

I heartily agree.  In fact, it’s odd to me that the very fact that I am not more angry at a specific someone very close to me for something they did, or rather failed to do, has actually royally pissed off another specific someone in my life.  They don’t understand why I “forgive” the one person the slight that person B perceives.  There are several reasons for this, but the short version is that I choose my battles.  Some things are just not worth being angry over when you never know if the people in your life will be there from one day to the next…

Okay, enough of the sappy shit.   The point of all this is that I happened to mention to my blogger friend my feelings on a certain type of friend.

I call them my Friends In Small Doses.

We all have one or more of these friends.  When I describe them, you will know exactly who in your life this may refer to.

-They’re people who are at heart basically good, but they tend to be self-involved.

-They usually like to be the center of attention, and often find ways to draw the attention away from you and back to them.

-They are often sarcastic or unintentionally condescending (I’ve been told I can be condescending at times-  unintentionally, I assure you. 😀 ) and have been known to utter an “I told you so” on occasion.

-They tend not to take criticism, even constructive criticism, well.

-They often show up when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to bitch to, but are unavailable when you may need a ride somewhere or a favor…yet they have redeeming moments when they see you through a traumatic event, or do something completely generous, or you go out with them and have a complete blast, and you remember why you love them.

In my experience, these are people you do want to stay in touch with, but after being around them for a bit, you find that you need to take a step back every once in a while.  Sometime for a few days, sometime for a few months.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes, especially in this age of social media (which is raging out of control- but that’s another post entirely.)  Just be aware of who you can trust, who you can’t.  Who you want to keep in your life and who is toxic.  And don’t be afraid to let the ones you love know it.

 

 

related: Why Don’t You Like Me Anymore?”  AlienRedQueen

Why Don’t You “Like” Me Anymore???

Facebook has ushered in a new era of expectations from our “friends.”  I’m sure I’m not the first person who has noticed the downright ridiculousness of people killing other people over an “unliked” status or a “defriending.”  And it doesn’t help that Facebook seems to be in a perpetual beta stage, always changing things, always “fixing” things, and it’s not uncommon for whole messages and notifications to just get lost in the cyber-shuffle.  I try to take Facebook interactions with a grain of salt.

facebook engancha

Iz on ur Facebook, hittin’ on ur girlfrienz

That said,  it’s hard not to be insulted when you know a family member or good friend has been online because they have been posting/forwarding stupid pictures and “inspirational” sayings, but they don’t respond to a message you specifically tagged them in, or bother to stop by and comment when, say, your cat dies (eh hem…)   Continue reading