Things Said In Homes with Children (Installment #”I forget…”)

Every day is something new.  Some days, when it rains, it pours.  The other night, comedy gold was overflowing from my five year old’s crazy little brain and spilling out her mouth.  We are, in part, to blame.  There is way too much anime and crime show watching in this house.  That probably has some to do with some of the stuff that she pops off with.  (I know, we suck at parenting.)  But some of this stuff, it’s just genuine observations that come out sounding hilarious…

Like this one…

“I love puppets…  You know, cat puppets?  You stick your hand in their butt.”

Or this one.

Your pee is very golden yellow.

Some are a bit disturbing, (and completely our fault, as I mentioned.)

To the TV…

Tear his head off, Meliodas!!

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Some are kind of creepy, in the way that only a child’s complete honesty can be.  To her Daddy…

I love playing with you.  You’re like a doll…that moves and talks.

Like most kids, sometimes she sings or talks to herself while she plays.  Sometimes in the third person.

[J*] loves men.  Like you… You’re my little puppy-man.

And her jokes are both wildly silly and oddly appealing.  I say to our pain-in-the-ass Bengal cat, “Bizzy, what are we going to do with you?”

And J pipes up, laughing…

Like throw her in the trash or give her to someone else?

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Behold the Biz, in all her glory…

At any rate, if you have or have had small children in your house, you know practically at all time something cute, funny, or crazy is coming out of their mouths.  What are some funny things you’ve heard kids say?

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Things Said in Homes with Small Children: Halloween Edition (1)

Tonight we carved our pumpkins.

Hubby had cleaned the insides of both pumpkins while I ran to the store for the batteries.  When I got home, we took turns helping five year old J with her pumpkin, which has patterns like a regular pumpkin, but instead of carving, involves poking a series of colored plastic pegs in the holes of a pattern, the light source being a fake candle that runs on a nine volt battery.  The end result is something that looks like a giant pumpkin-shaped lite brite showing whatever pattern you chose.

lite-brite-installation2After he took over helping her, I went about carving my own pumpkin in the traditional way… You know, plastic sppons and itty bitty saws… I swear I almost ended up needing stitches several times, and wondered exactly how many people per year have Halloween carving disasters.

As they were finishing up J’s lite brite pumpkin, I was doing the final touches on mine, including cleaning some extra mess out of the center.  When I am “arting” (as with my writing) I am usually intensely focused.  I didn’t care that I was getting pumpkin all over the place.

And since part of hubby and my relationship involves regularly taking the piss out of each other  (we celebrated six years married yesterday, so it must be an effective means of bonding,) hubby offered his wise ass opinion.

Him:  “I cleaned two whole pumpkins out and didn’t make that much of a mess.”

Me: ” What, do you want a fucking cookie?  Go in the kitchen and get you one.”

At which point my five year old daughter pipes up  “I want a fucking cookie!”

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We really weren’t much good scolding her because we were both laughing too much.  And I think Mommy will be getting punished tonight.  But if that’s the worst thing she hears, I think she’ll be alright.  I’m 34 years old, and I don’t much believe in “watching my mouth” around my own kid.  I’ve earned the right to swear.  One day she’ll earn hers.  (“When I grow up, I can say ‘dammit’ ?”)
Yeah, dude.  But not until then.

Things Said in Homes With Children…continues

I’m laughing but also I’m perversely proud.  I was in the bathroom helping my five year old DD clean up after number 2.   We use wipes and paper.  She asks me if I’m going to do a pattern…

Me: What?  What do you mean?

She says:  Wipe, paper, wipe, paper…A, B, A, B

All I can say is, it’s nice to see her applying what she learned in school.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

J* (my daughter): Milk? Milk?

Hubby:  You want milk???

Me: We don’t have any milk

Hubby: (rolls eyes)

Me: I told you we needed to go to the store!

Hubby: (turns and points at me): Make it so, number one…

Me: Uh… I’m the Captain up in this Bitch!

J* pipes up:  bitch! bitch!

Yes, this conversation just happened.

Our family...full of WIN!

Our family…full of WIN!

Monday Morning Mortification!

Considering my and my husband’s potty-mouth, I take full responsibility if Darling Daughter pops off with the F- bomb…   It’s not ideal, but it’s to be expected.  That is to say, we know where she learned it when I carelessly swear at a video game or something and she immediately parrots me.  Sometimes it’s even a little funny.  (And if you’ve never had to fight a laugh while chastising your kid,  maybe you need to lighten up some…)

But this morning Hubby told me something that mortified us both, and we’re both honestly puzzled as to where DD learned it.  He was changing her diaper this morning and she pointed to her private parts (which is exactly how I refer to them if I have to talk to her about them) and said “pussy.”

WHAT?!

Are you sure that’s what she said???

Yeah, that’s what she said…

That is not a word that gets regular play around this household.  There are some words even I, in all my profane glory, find distasteful.  It’s not generally a word that gets said in front of the baby unless we are talking about cats!   So how…in the hell…did she learn it in connection with genitals?

I’m going over it in my head… who else does she see on a regular basis? (hardly anyone.)  She doesn’t go to day care or pre-school, so she didn’t learn it there.  Even if we watch TV shows with cursing in them, they’re generally not pornographic…  So how did she link that word and that body part?

I didn’t actually hear the aforementioned nasty word myself, so, regardless of what hubby says, for the moment, I am going to assume either he misheard her or she wasn’t saying what he thought she was.  It’s better for my peace of mind.

Any other parents out there have similar experiences with their kids learning strange things from I don’t know where?

Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses

Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses