“Hey! Don’t talk about my doctor that way!”

I’m not saying I’m champion of MDs or anything.  Some of them…a lot of them…a real asshats.  Especially if you don’t know them really well, like a doctor that might see you in the ER and is not your regular doc.  In my experience, they hate being told anything.  Obviously, if you are seen for a condition– say, migraines, in my case– you inevitably pick up some info along the way.  Now that almost anyone can access the internet in some way or another, many of us research our conditions.  I understand doctors go through extensive schooling and internships to become proficient at their career…but that doesn’t mean every patient that walks into their exam room is a mindless moron with no clue about their own body or condition.

That aside, unless you are a complete moron, you will likely rely on a doctor to save your life, at least once in your life.  Even if you don’t have any chronic health issues.  (Have you ever considered how many little health issues would soon become life threatening, or at the very least, unbearably uncomfortable, if there wasn’t that small but necessary fix?  A dose of penicillin or a few stitches in the right spot.)

Anyway, a long time by and by, I had a therapist who was a little…unconventional.  Okay, he was weird.  He kept an “office” in a small building out behind his house, and he allowed his dogs and cats to roam freely in the room during session.  That much I was cool with.  I love animals, and maybe that’s why he did it–because he knows a lot of his patients might have a favorable reaction to the presence of a dog or cat.  (Don’t know how he’d handle a client with allergies, as even without the animals in the room, their fur and dander was probably still all over the room.)  What bothered me was the casual way he seemed not to notice when the cat stretched up to knead at his crotch.

That, and him asking me about my sex life.  Maybe that’s a normal thing for a therapist to ask about, but I was only nineteen or twenty at the time, and it seemed like that was a topic I* should bring up (if I wanted to discuss it), not him.

Anyway, I had one of his business cards in my wallet, and my (douche canoe ex) boyfriend at the time told me the pic on the card made my doc look like a child molester.  I kinda blew up.  It pissed me off.  I was like “Don’t say that! I* have to go see this guy for therapy!”  Maybe it bothered me so much because I was already uncomfortable with the guy.

**“What does a child molester look like?” you may ask.

Michael Jackson

Just kidding, Michael…

Anyhoo…  I do have one doc I really like.  Ironically, it’s my OB/GYN.  She’s cool.  It was kind of lucky I met her, since we had just moved out here and I only picked her out of the available docs by chance.  She’s about my age.  She listens to me, trusts and respects my opinion.  She’s funny.  Hubby likes her as well (of course he’s met her numerous times; she did deliver our daughter.)

I got a sealed envelope from their office in the mail the other day.  Hubby happened to notice the name of the office on the outside and immediately started taking the piss out of me.  “Is that from your vag doctor?”

And then… oh, dear God, hubby, I know you didn’t just refer to my OB/GYN as “Dr. Scratch & Sniff!”

This is my life.  ~sigh~

Three Routinely Ignored Gaming “Rules” (rated M for Mature)

*this article was originally posted on and for To the Controller! Gaming  and is being re-posted here as a re-blog.  I am the original author of this content on To the Controller! Gaming

[Hi! I’m pleased to say I have become an “official” writer for To the Controller! Gaming.  Rather than write a lengthy (read: boring) introduction of myself, let this piece serve, and if you want to know more you can visit me on my own personal blog, alienredqueen.  Okay, now on with the show!]

Every online gamer worth their salt has read the gaming etiquette rulebook- (ACK! PANIC! What??! There’s a RULEBOOK???)  Sorry, just kidding.  But there are certain etiquette guidelines that seemed to have become established alongside the growing popularity in online gaming over the years.  RPGs are no longer the bailiwick of virgin computer nerds with bad acne and a sugar addiction.   MMO communities have spawned in abundance and XBOX, PlayStation, and now Wii have long since dragged online gaming to the forefront, kicking and screaming.

More and more people are getting into online cooperative play, and naturally, anytime you have more than 4 people in one spot (even one “cyber” spot), squabbling breaks out.  What’s more, there’s an old adage that goes something like, For every action, there is an equal, but more likely ruder and wildly obscene online reaction.   I think it’s, like, Newton’s 34th law or something.

Anyone who has spent more than 2 seconds on the internet in their whole life has probably run into the issue that results from the fact that people who are assholes in life become even bigger assholes online due to the assumed anonymity of hiding behind their keyboard.  In addition, weeny little pussies who would never stand up for themselves, let alone another person, suddenly grow balls bigger than Ron Jeremy‘s and think they can trash talk to their heart’s content.

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One would think that not being rude, aggressive, or unduly obscene (I must qualify that last, because I enjoy a healthy dose of obscenity as much as the next person) would be rules that were obvious and self-evident.  Because they should be.  They are obvious.  And as such, they are of course, routinely ignored.  Losers are taunted, noobs are harangued, female gamers are harrassed, and insults are hurled.

But I will admit to my essential noobishness and say that, although I have been a gamer for many years and have tried the occasional online MMO, I just got my PS3 a couple of months ago and am pretty new to console online co-op situations.  (I know, I know.  Let me know when you’re finished laughing…)

Anyway, I was a bit surprised to discover some of the unpleasant habits that other gamers exhibited.  My game of choice right now is Resident Evil 5 (okay, let’s face it, anything from the RE franchise is always my game of choice) so I haven’t run into a lot of group situations as seen in typical RPGs like Final Fantasy and the like.  Which means I haven’t been extensively trash-talked…yet.  But I have run into quite a few “breaches of etiquette,” from here on referred to as assholery, that surprised me.  They are the following:

1) Quitting before the end of the game-

Apparently, if you search “gaming etiquette” online, I am not the first person to be dismayed, and ultimately, incon-fuckin’-venienced by some moron who either gets you repeated killed and then bails without a word or who decides, after you bang a  50+ Combo out of their head, that you are suddenly no longer worth their time.

Okay, I get it.  Shit happens and sometimes you just have to go…and if you don’t have a mic, you can’t very well tell your partner before you leave.  But you could drop them a message later on, maybe… Sorry I left you high and dry.  My kid was trying to stuff the cat in the dryer…  or whatever.  I have a kid.  I get it.

Which brings me to my next point.

2)  Headset etiquette-

Maybe you missed the segue.  That’s okay.  I don’t expect everyone to follow the convoluted brilliance that is my mind.  Rules of headset etiquette include, but are not limited to a) refraining from loud yelling or obscene language, talking to another peron in the same room while gaming, and playing loud music while on headset b) not using racial slurs c) refraining from eating crunchy food, d) trying not to over-do it on the trash talk, and lastly (and this one must be important because I have seen it more than once) e) do not tell Michael Jackson jokes

Now I and many of the people I have played with have broken many of these rules.  If I know the person well, I excuse myself, and proceed to chew my food in their ear.  I am obscene.  I am profane.  I like me that way.  If you don’t, you may politely excuse yourself (see Rule #1) and get the fuck out of my gaming session.

I also saw on one forum regarding headset etiquette, someone had added something like”And shut that f@cking crying baby up!”  Okay, assbag.  I take issue with that one.  I have a 20 month old.  They cry sometimes.  I will never, EVER yell at my kid for crying if she has a legitimate reason, especially not to appease some nasty, common sense deficient and socially stunted prick that I don’t even know.

Now, moving on…  this last one is one that most online gamers are probably familiar with.

3) Camping (specifically, ganking)

My first experience with this was in one of RE5′s DLC modes.  There are two main delineations under Versus.  One is Slayers mode, wherein you try to kill more enemies than the other players.  The other is Survivors, wherein you are trying to actually kill the other players.  At least, that was my understanding of it as described in the game menu.  Apparently I was mistaken.  I purposely chose Slayers because it was not my desire to fight against players that I don’t know in a PvP death-match.  I may seem like a confrontational person, but that’s just too much fucking stress.  I know how cut-throat people can be, and it’s not my idea of fun.

But as I was merrily running along blasting Majini with my triple barrel shotgun, I realized I was taking damage…from bullets.  I died three different times in fairly rapid succession before I realized, “Hey, these douchbags are trying to kill me!”

I suppose I should have just quit right then and there, but I decided I would dish out a nice return helping of shut the fuck up with my Magnum.  All of a sudden, as I am gunning down one of my targets from the next roof over, I hear distantly in my earpiece *chshkkkk~static crackle* “oh, okay, bitch.”

It sounded almost as if she was talking to herself or thinking out loud.  I immediately fired back, “I CAN HEAR YOU, BITCH!”  Needless to say, when no further trash-talk was forthcoming, this confirmed my suspicion that the dopey bitch had simply forgotten I could hear her.

There are many more guidelines to online gaming etiquette, but before I go, I’d like to add one that, although it may exist, I have not yet seen.  And that is this;

If you are hosting a game session, and are waiting for another specific gamer to join, for fuck’s sake, please make it a private session, instead of just repeatedly booting off random people who try to join.  I can not even say how many times I have cruised the session boards looking for a game to join, only to be tossed out on my cyber-duff because some jerk was too ignorant or lazy to make their gaming session private.  The whole purpose of those boards is for people to find someone else to play with when they want to play co-op.  You’re just being rude.

Well, I think I’ve said all I need to say for now…  At any rate, I’m almost positive I’ve said all you’re willing to read.  I will bid you adieu for now and hope to see you again (if Sean doesn’t immediately rescind my invitation to write for him, due to my horrific, yet mesmerizing command of foul language. ) Until we meet again…

What’s your “magic number”?

Well, the tallying is done, the numbers have been added, the results you’ve been waiting for (ha) are here…

But before I tell you my magic number– and I hope by now you realize I’m not talking about sex partners–  there are just a few points and “disclaimers” I want to mention.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I used Wikipedia as my main source for lists  of horror films.

1) these lists are, like all of Wikipedia, peer edited, and by their very nature, not a complete list of every horror title in existence.  They are arranged by decades, and in my own observation and tallying, I noticed that even in a given movie series, not necessarily all films were represented (For instance, Cube Zero was on the 2004 list, but the original Cube movie was not in evidence on the 1997 list.)

“Where are we? And who the hell are you?”… That must have been one hell of a party…

2) My final total is likely to be an underestimation rather an overestimation.  While I may have falsely counted a film or two, thinking that I saw it, and sometimes I even got the feeling a given film was listed under two different decades, the were probably more instances of films I did not count as “seen”, having not recognized the title, or having forgotten that I’d seen said film.

3) Again, in regards to film series, I counted one hash mark for each film of a given series if I knew without a doubt that I had see them (like all of the Alien films, for instance.)  On the other hand, films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th have so many sequels and remakes, that I had trouble remembering which ones I had seen and which ones I hadn’t (and the older the films, the less accurate my memory is.)  For this reason, I counted only the ones I was relatively certain I had seen.

Friday the 13th “part 137…”

4) Some films were included in these lists that some might consider “questionable” in terms of their qualifications as “true” horror films.   For instance, so-called “horror-comedies,” like Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland were listed (I counted these, ) and even Michael Jackson’s Thriller video was listed, considered a “short film (I did not count this.) To a certain extent, the definition of what constitutes a horror film may vary from person to person.

oh, yes… and 5)  As I really doubt I’d recognize any of the films or titles beyond this point anyway, I only counted from present to the 1930’s.  As to films I may have started to watch but never finished (if you’ve ever seen The Item you’ll know what I mean; I have a high tolerance for stupidity in the name of entertainment, but even I have my limits…), there weren’t that many of them so it probably doesn’t matter either way, given the margin of error for this little experiment.

And so here it is: the number (roughly) of horror films I have seen in my 31 years…

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In Chains: music and drug addiction

In the wake of yet another music icon lost to a suspected drug overdose (Whitney Houston), I’d like to say a few words.  There’s no way I can pay tribute to all of the great musicians, actors, comedians, and entertainers that have had a tremendous influence or personal impacts on our lives and have been lost to drug and alcohol abuse.  Also, celebrities aside, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that probably almost anyone that reads this has known someone who they lost to either drug overdose or complications from past drug use. I know I have…several.

Another reason I’m not going to mention all of the artists lost over the years is because frankly (and I know this may be an extremely unpopular opinion/statement) I don’t really identify with or care about all of them.  This is not to say that I feel that anyone should overdose and die on drugs, but they did not all have the same effect on my life.  The two people I will mention here today struck a chord with me in particular and this is why…

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