When I was at Walmart the other day, I couldn’t help but notice all the candy that was out (chocolate ~drool~) And then I realized with something like shock that it really IS almost Halloween. I can’t believe it’s already almost the middle of September. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and it’s almost here again! And you know what that means…
…time to skip right over Halloween and Thanksgiving and break out all the Christmas shit and carols waaaaay too early!
So in the spirit of consumerism, I’ve decided to get a jump on my Christmas Wish list. Just in case all you faithful bloggers want to get me something, here are a few ideas:
1)Heat-seeking Nerf blaster- For those pesky mid-night feline disturbances. With this, I’ll be able to “discipline” the cats whenever and WHEREever they get into trouble, even around corners, all without getting out of bed.
2) Universal Remote – With settings for every gadget in the house, including but not limited to; TV, PS3, DVD player, Game Cube, washing machine, vibrator. AND multi-function settings; (Husband) “do dishes”, “change baby”, “massage butt”, (Cats) “clean litter boxes”, “shut the hell up” (aka Mute)
3) A New Tattoo– I’m not gonna be able to afford one on my own anytime soon, so I might as well put it on my Wishlist.
4) Gear for the Zombie Apocalypse- Preparation for Z-Day has the potential to get very expensive. I’m going to need provisions, lots of provisions. Like freeze-dried astronaut food, and a first aid kit that has a hefty supply of morphine and sodium pentathol (for those pesky field euthanizations.) Lots of leather clothes, cuz I don’t know what these skinny bitches in the movies think they’re doing wearing skirts and shit. Also, I’ll need some tools for when I break into the pharmacy to steal my lifetime supply of Zoloft (the zombie apocalypse is not the time to give into those pesky anxieties and compulsions!) And let’s not forget weapons, because, somehow I don’t think a Nerf Blaster is gonna do the trick, not even a HEAT-seeking one.
Come to think of it, as long as I have the universal remote, I don’t really need anything else. I can just click the “zombies off” button.