I’m Not Okay

*If you are in a bad place or grieving a furbaby, this may be triggering.
Continue reading

Advertisements

Fly Sweetly, Chris Cornell

This beautiful spring morning brought with it two things; a head cold and news of the death of Chris Cornell.  His death was sudden and unexpected, and at least one source alludes to the possibility of suicide. Although I won’t speculate here, that particular prospect makes me immeasurably more sad.  My friends and regular readers will likely know how important music is to me.  I find it a daunting prospect, the idea of fleshing out my feelings in a detailed post, so I’ll just say that Soundgarden was with me throughout my adolescence, my formative years, as it were.  Many, many nights I fell asleep listening to the B side of Superunknown (yes, I actually had the album on cassette tape before I got the disc.)  At the time it occured, I was mildly bummed when Soundgarden broke up, but the older I got, the more important the music of my teenage years became to me, so I was totally psyched when they got back together.  Maybe one day, fate willing, I would even get to see them perform live.  Not now, not ever.

Although it’s not as if I knew this man personally, his words, his voice, meant something to me.  I never met him, never spoke a word to him, and aside from the usual fangirl musings, I never thought much about it.  Just him being in the world, making music, was enough.  Just as now, knowing he is no longer is the world, will never grace us with his voice again, fills me with a formless sense of loss.  How do we mourn someone we didn’t know, but who still managed to make an emotional mark on our souls?    I guess you either get it or you don’t.  For all of my friends and readers who do, I leave you with my all time favorite Soundgarden song.

Edit:  With Chris Cornell’s death officially being ruled suicide, I want to just mention here, there was NO snark or disrespect intended by my selection of song.  It just has been my favorite for years.  Blessed be to his family and bandmates in this sad time. ❤

 

Monday Morning Haiku (In the Evening)

Recently, in a bizarre turn of events, and through no fault of my own (this time at least, lol) I lost a close friend.  She just dropped out of my life.  Repeated attempts to contact her and find out why have been ignored.  I have texted, called, and emailed.  I could drop by her house, but it seems too confrontational.  At any rate, some of my stuff is there and I may have to at some point anyway if she continues to ignore me.  I have my suspicions her on again/off again asshat boyfriend has something to do with this.  That is not to say she still isn’t responsible for not standing up to him if he has in fact issued her an ultimatum.  I am angry and hurt and I go back and forth and sometimes am both at the same time, and it doesn’t help that I see her everyday when I pick my child up from school. She is always conveniently looking the other way, engrossed in some task .  Anyway, it has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I feel like a jilted lover.  Like I was dumped, without the courtesy of even a “fuck you” text.  It has occurred to me that we grieve all sorts of relationships, and not just after a death.  On that note, (which no doubt makes this haiku less ascerbic and more sad)…

 

The Stages of Grief part 1

The stages of grief

Are not really a straight line.

More like a zig zag

 

The Stages of Grief part 2

First I was confused.

Then I was angry, then sad.

Now I’m pissed again.

 

 

the-five-stages-of-grieving-2-728

Photo credit Lucia Merino

IS it Monday? It Feels Like Monday

Which means even though it’s technically the afternoon, it’s the perfect time for some Monday Morning Haiku.

I call this one FMM (For “Fuck My Monday”)

FMM

Car got a flat tire.

Dog crap frozen to the ground.

Car is still broken.

 

 

Black Gold

The dog is too fat

Sneaks and eats the cat’s food too.

At least there’s coffee

Shit Luck (but I got my cat!)

bad-luck1

Am I the cat or the mirror? I dunno, but man has our luck been SHIT lately.  As my regular readers know from more recents posts, the trouble actually started several months ago with a run of issues involving our “new” (ha ha) used car.  Then the cat got sick.  You know the one.  Methos, my favorite jackass.  All of this, plus my moaning and worrying. compelled a dear friend to start a GoFundMe for our family, mostly for car and vet bills, but also so we can still go home for the holiday.  I feel like I do nothing but whine lately, and I don’t want to be that person.  It’s just, this run of bad luck and repeated hardship has been sort of …overwhelming.  Lately it feels like one step forward, two steps back.   I know everyone feels this way at one time or another, but lately it has been almost laughable how bad our luck has been.   My husband and friend spent 5 hours yesterday changing a strut out on the car.  The car still knocks (turns out although it needed a strut, the knocking was from another problem.)  Oh, and one of the tires got a flat today.  Le sigh.  Over and over and over.  We are walking backwards here, people.  Making negative progress.  Except….

Except for there is a little silver lining to this big. black cloud.   Or maybe it’s a furry lining.  I’m talking about Methos.  This post was actually supposed to be an update on Methos.  Recently he had a health crisis, and I was very afraid we were going to lose him.  (<—Link for those not in the loop) and… For my friends who have been following, I am stoked to say, he went for his echocardiogram last Thursday and we found out that case of HCM is very mild and he was prescribed Atenolol to relax his heart muscles and allow his heart to better function.  He will continue to take his Lasix twice a day for a while as well to keep fluid from building up in his chest cavity, but we eventually hope to have to only administer both meds once day.  He is already back to his old, strange self, trying to escape when the front door opens so he can climb a tree, or following me around whining to be fed even though there is food in there.   Or, you know, just laying there (I included a video in case you weren’t sure what “lazy” looked like.  Also, hear that “Oh Lord?” at the end of the video? Haha! The country must be rubbing off on me.  I say “bless it” and “lord” and awful lot for an atheist. lol)   For new friends not yet fully acquainted with the feline wonder that is Methos, click some of these links or search his name on this site for other fun stories. 🙂  All told this little excursion into kitty heathcare has cost us about 1000 dollars we didn’t have, but I can’t help but be thankful it happened now, while we could still get a handle on the problem, and before it became any worse.  I will deal with the bills. I am just glad I still have the cat to go with them. ❤

 

Update on Methos

I’m just going to copy and paste the update I put on FB.  This weekend has been exhausting and I am going to give the cat his meds and go to bed.

Yesterday was a long and exhausting day, and the outcome was not as positive as I was hoping. My beloved boycat Methos has an enlarged heart and fluid in his chest; essentially he is in early congestive heart failure, resulting froma  condition called HCM. They put him in an oxygen tent to help him breathe better and wanted to keep him overnight, but ( I will be completely frank because I know no other way) we could not afford the $1000 deposit, so they gave him more oxygen and because his distress is only mild right now, they gave him lasix to help get rid of the fluid on his chest and they allowed us to take him home. I asked the vet repeatedly because I wanted to be perfectly clear, if there is a chance that medication could manage the condition but to find out we need the echo of his heart to find out what kinds of meds would benefit him most. I want to give him this chance. IMG_4304.JPG I will call first thing tomorrow morning to set up a echo before we make a final decision. Thanks to everyone who has commented, contributed or shared our GoFundMe. If you can help, even a tiny bit, we appreciate it more than you know; if you can’t, do me a small favor and share this post. Right now I’m beyond pride; I just want to save my daughter’s best furry friend.