Things Said in Homes with Small Children: Halloween Edition (1)

Tonight we carved our pumpkins.

Hubby had cleaned the insides of both pumpkins while I ran to the store for the batteries.  When I got home, we took turns helping five year old J with her pumpkin, which has patterns like a regular pumpkin, but instead of carving, involves poking a series of colored plastic pegs in the holes of a pattern, the light source being a fake candle that runs on a nine volt battery.  The end result is something that looks like a giant pumpkin-shaped lite brite showing whatever pattern you chose.

After he took over helping her, I went about carving my own pumpkin in the traditional way… You know, plastic sppons and itty bitty saws… I swear I almost ended up needing stitches several times, and wondered exactly how many people per year have Halloween carving disasters.

As they were finishing up J’s lite brite pumpkin, I was doing the final touches on mine, including cleaning some extra mess out of the center.  When I am “arting” (as with my writing) I am usually intensely focused.  I didn’t care that I was getting pumpkin all over the place.

And since part of hubby and my relationship involves regularly taking the piss out of each other  (we celebrated six years married yesterday, so it must be an effective means of bonding,) hubby offered his wise ass opinion.

Him:  “I cleaned two whole pumpkins out and didn’t make that much of a mess.”

Me: ” What, do you want a fucking cookie?  Go in the kitchen and get you one.”

At which point my five year old daughter pipes up  “I want a fucking cookie!”

We really weren’t much good scolding her because we were both laughing too much.  And I think Mommy will be getting punished tonight.  But if that’s the worst thing she hears, I think she’ll be alright.  I’m 34 years old, and I don’t much believe in “watching my mouth” around my own kid.  I’ve earned the right to swear.  One day she’ll earn hers.  (“When I grow up, I can say ‘dammit’ ?”)
Yeah, dude.  But not until then.

Bah! Humbug! Homesick for the Holidays

Ah, the smell of BBQ, like a campfire in the fall.  My Peppermint Patty coffee creamer.  The joys of experiencing the holiday through my toddler’s eyes…

The ridiculous crowds at Walmart, the rude drivers, the stress of not having enough money to buy groceries, let alone presents…

Oh, and it’s currently 69 degrees outside.  Bah! Humbug!

But all of this I could handle if I didn’t feel so down and out.  The holidays are drawing inexorably nigh and it’s looking less and less like I’m going to make it home to see my family.  I was going to hitch a ride with my uncle in his motor home (he generously offered last year,) but he told me they had planned on taking the car this year.  This was a few weeks ago, and he said if they changed their minds, of course we could ride with them…  But it’s hard enough for my husband to get time off for the holidays ahead of time, so the closer the holidays approach before we ask, the less likely he is to be allowed off of work.  Last year, as we were the only one’s whose family is almost exclusively (with the exception of my uncle) out of state, he was the only one of his coworkers who did not get to spend Christmas with his family…any of them, because the baby and I flew home by ourselves (oh, holy night…mare that I will never repeat!)  He had off Christmas of course, but as we live 800 miles away from family, one day just isn’t sufficient travel time.

If my uncle were able to take the motor home to MD this year, I’d tell Hubby to tell his boss that he was takin’ off, and tough titty said the kitty if they didn’t like it.  It’s not right.  Seems to me they could spare him for a few days, as everyone else at his job generally stays instate.

“Tough Titty…” (Tough Kitty)

It’s bad enough I only see my parents like 3 times a year now (and consequently, they only see their granddaughter 3 times a year.)  It’s killing me, and I know it’s killing my mom.

I miss my family and I want to move back home… but I also don’t want to.  Simply put, I’d only move back to MD because most of the family is there.  Frankly, I don’t like what the place has become.  I feel safer out here with the good ol’ redneck, racist, ignorant, fat hillbillies than I would back home where I’d fear getting mugged going to the freakin’ Wawa.  I realize part of this is perception, and that there is crime everywhere…  but according to my perception, it seems like the people out here are more ignorant than actually malicious.  Prime example; last year, in my home state, a guy I went to school with was stabbed to death in his own apartment when a seventeen year old hood broke in to steal the gun my classmate had for home protection.  Did I mention he knew the kid from around the neighborhood?  Did I also mention this guy was legally blind?  Who the fuck stabs a blind guy?

But back to the point, suffice it to say this conflict of feeling is causing me some distress…

Were we to magically discover hubby had the time off of work, thus allowing us the opportunity to drive ourselves home, then there’s the question of the $300 dollars in gas we’d likely need to get there– one way.  Would our POS Explorer even make it that far?

Assuming we’re grounded and we just have to accept it, how now am I going to afford to get everyone I want to gifts?  Our parents usually understand if we can’t afford to get them anything, but I like to buy for my sisters, and then their are my nieces and nephews, and my best friend’s kids, and my cousin’s kid…

Obviously I am not the first person to observe with no small trace of irony that this holiday is not supposed to be this stressful.

Yet I feel blue, and despite what I intellectually know and what I would tell others in my position, I feel like I deserve a big lump of coal in my stocking for not being able to give my family, and most importantly, my child, the things I want to be able to give them this holiday season.

Yeah, yeah, I know.  That’s not what the holiday is about, if they really care about us, they’ll understand, and all the baby needs is love…

So why do I still feel like a giant, disappointing piece of crap?

Bah! Humbug!

Happy Halloween: Be Kind to Bats

Many animals get a bad rep as a result of old superstitions, their “displeasing” appearance, and mostly people’s ignorance.  A couple of my friends and fellow bloggers have already touched on the dangers that cats, especially black cats, may face on Halloween, and where some of those superstitions come from.  You can check them out here and here.

In honor of Halloween, and since cats have already been covered, I’d like to take a brief moment to mention another one of Halloween’s under– appreciated critters– the industrious, beneficial, and [yes, sometimes even] cute Chiroptera… the bat.

First and foremost, bats may seem scary, but not only are they relatively harmless (unless you’re a mosquito or something,) but they are actually beneficial.

Why are bats good?

Most U.S. bats eat insects. A single bat can eat up to 1,200 mosquitoes in one hour. Some bats in the Southwestern U.S. also pollinate plants like the big saguaro cactus while drinking nectar.

How many bats have rabies?

Fewer than 0.5% of bats have rabies. Since 1960 there have only been 40 reported cases of humans getting rabies from bats.

Do bats suck blood?

Few bats drink blood. However there are some Vampire Bats that live in Central America, South America and Mexico that feed on the blood of warm-blooded animals like horses, cattle and birds. 

Source: http://www.eparks.org/wildlife_protection/wildlife_facts/bats/

Plus… come on now, tell me these little guys aren’t the tiniest bit cute!

squueeeeee!

I HEAR yooooou!

Terrifying, ain’t it?

Well, Happy Halloween, everyone.

 Be kind to your furry friends!

Have a Sucky Halloween…(and I don’t mean like a Vampire)

Well, it’s Halloween, which happens to be my favorite holiday. Unfortunately, my little one has been sick since last Sunday, and while the doc (np) seems to think it’s nothing serious, she recommended Darling Daughter stay out of the cold and damp. We had to cancel our plans this weekend to go to my friend’s bonfire, and then our second set of plans fell through as well, as their kids were down with a stomach virus (and I definitely don’t need that shit in my house!)

And D.D. Is still coughing today, so probably no Trick-or-Treating. I’m thinking of dressing myself and D.D. Up just for fun around the apartment, and I tried to convince some of my friends that they should come “reverse” Trick-or-Treating, and knock on my door and hand me candy (I don’t think they went for it.) 

 

 

So, since I won’t be able to celebrate on my favorite holiday…

 

“Pttth! Hiss! Hisssss!”

 

I figure I might as well ruin it for the rest of you.

So, here’s a brief list of all the empty calories on which you’re happily binging while I sit home with my sick kid…jerks.

Nutritional infor is pretty easy to find on the mini chocolate bars that are generally at the top of a kid’s Halloween candy hierarchy  but what about the loose candy. You think, “a skittle here, an M&M there…no prob.” It adds up, suckers!

 

One single M&M has 3.4 calories, One Peanut M&M has about 10 calories (gobble ’em up, bitches!)

 ONE single Milk Dud has 13 calories (Ha! I hope your ass gets fat!)

One single piece of candy corn has 6.6-7.5 calories

calories per skittle 4.3

Calories per single Junior Mint 9

Well, you get the point. Now I hope your candy sucks! (Just Kidding…sort of.)

Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween, and do think of me when you’re all in your cool-ass costumes and make-up!

Now, for your Halloween viewing pleasure…

RELATED LINKS:  http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/carbcounts/a/candycalories.htm

What’s your “magic number”?

Well, the tallying is done, the numbers have been added, the results you’ve been waiting for (ha) are here…

But before I tell you my magic number– and I hope by now you realize I’m not talking about sex partners–  there are just a few points and “disclaimers” I want to mention.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I used Wikipedia as my main source for lists  of horror films.

1) these lists are, like all of Wikipedia, peer edited, and by their very nature, not a complete list of every horror title in existence.  They are arranged by decades, and in my own observation and tallying, I noticed that even in a given movie series, not necessarily all films were represented (For instance, Cube Zero was on the 2004 list, but the original Cube movie was not in evidence on the 1997 list.)

“Where are we? And who the hell are you?”… That must have been one hell of a party…

2) My final total is likely to be an underestimation rather an overestimation.  While I may have falsely counted a film or two, thinking that I saw it, and sometimes I even got the feeling a given film was listed under two different decades, the were probably more instances of films I did not count as “seen”, having not recognized the title, or having forgotten that I’d seen said film.

3) Again, in regards to film series, I counted one hash mark for each film of a given series if I knew without a doubt that I had see them (like all of the Alien films, for instance.)  On the other hand, films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th have so many sequels and remakes, that I had trouble remembering which ones I had seen and which ones I hadn’t (and the older the films, the less accurate my memory is.)  For this reason, I counted only the ones I was relatively certain I had seen.

Friday the 13th “part 137…”

4) Some films were included in these lists that some might consider “questionable” in terms of their qualifications as “true” horror films.   For instance, so-called “horror-comedies,” like Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland were listed (I counted these, ) and even Michael Jackson’s Thriller video was listed, considered a “short film (I did not count this.) To a certain extent, the definition of what constitutes a horror film may vary from person to person.

oh, yes… and 5)  As I really doubt I’d recognize any of the films or titles beyond this point anyway, I only counted from present to the 1930’s.  As to films I may have started to watch but never finished (if you’ve ever seen The Item you’ll know what I mean; I have a high tolerance for stupidity in the name of entertainment, but even I have my limits…), there weren’t that many of them so it probably doesn’t matter either way, given the margin of error for this little experiment.

And so here it is: the number (roughly) of horror films I have seen in my 31 years…

The Girl Who Loved Horror Movies

Once upon a time…

there was a girl who loved horror movies.  She was never really into romantic comedies like a lot of other girls, although if she got interested in a movie, she’d watch it even if it wasn’t “horror.”  She loved to write too.  Can you guess what she might have liked to write?

Eventually, she grew up to become a young woman who loved horror films.  Once time she wanted to figure out how many horror movies she had seen in her life, so she found up a fairly comprehensive list on Wikipedia and went through each decade, year by year, tallying the films she knew or remembered having seen.  Of course the list was not 100% accurate, but it gave her a good idea.  At the time, she had seen over 300 horror films.

But then, tragedy struck…  she lost her tally sheet, and stopped keeping track of the new films she saw.

Now…

 this young woman is a wife and mother who loves horror films…  and she has decided to take another stab at this list.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion and findings of the experiment (I know you can hardly contain your excitement.)

Poltergeist

My Christmas Wishlist

When I was at Walmart the other day, I couldn’t help but notice all the candy that was out (chocolate ~drool~)  And then I realized with something like shock that it really IS almost Halloween.  I can’t believe it’s already almost the middle of September.  Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and it’s almost here again!  And you know what that means…

…time to skip right over Halloween and Thanksgiving and break out all the Christmas shit and carols waaaaay too early!

So in the spirit of consumerism, I’ve decided to get a jump on my Christmas Wish list.  Just in case all you faithful bloggers want to get me something, here are a few ideas:

1)Heat-seeking Nerf blaster-  For those pesky mid-night feline disturbances.  With this, I’ll be able to “discipline” the cats whenever and WHEREever they get into trouble, even around corners, all without getting out of bed.

“Here, kitty, kitty…”

2) Universal Remote – With settings for every gadget in the house, including but not limited to; TV, PS3, DVD player, Game Cube, washing machine, vibrator.   AND multi-function settings; (Husband) “do dishes”, “change baby”, “massage butt”, (Cats) “clean litter boxes”, “shut the hell up” (aka Mute)

Because the Husband’s Remote was just sooooo clever….

3) A New Tattoo– I’m not gonna be able to afford one on my own anytime soon, so I might as well put it on my Wishlist.

4) Gear for the Zombie Apocalypse- Preparation for Z-Day has the potential to get very expensive.  I’m going to need provisions, lots of provisions.   Like freeze-dried astronaut food, and a first aid kit that has a hefty supply of morphine and sodium pentathol (for those pesky field euthanizations.) Lots of leather clothes, cuz I don’t know what these skinny bitches in the movies think they’re doing wearing skirts and shit.  Also, I’ll need some tools for when I break into the pharmacy to steal my lifetime supply of Zoloft (the zombie apocalypse is not the time to give into those pesky anxieties and compulsions!)  And let’s not forget weapons, because, somehow I don’t think a Nerf Blaster is gonna do the trick, not even a HEAT-seeking one.

Really, Jill?

Come to think of it, as long as I have the universal remote, I don’t really need anything else.  I can just click the “zombies off” button.